What I've Learned After 6 Years of Grieving

Yes, I still miss my parents dearly, but no, my life is not ruined.

When I was a freshman in high school, my dad and stepmom both passed away. It was a devastating shove into the “real” world for me during a time when I should have still been enjoying being a kid. I knew nothing about grief or how I was supposed to move forward with my life. 

One of the worries I struggled with most was whether or not life would be okay again. As far as I knew, their passings might have ruined my chance of living a good life. The devastation I carried around me at all times was an incredible burden, and I didn’t see a way forward from it. I didn’t see how I could ever have a good life again.

That was almost six years ago. Now, I’m an adult. The first few years of my grief had many “what ifs.” Here’s what I wish I could have told myself back then.

Photo by Sylwia Bartyzel on Unsplash

1. Grief will not ruin your life.

I live a relatively normal life, and no, grief did not ruin it. (Younger me would be jumping for joy after reading that sentence.) Grief is a significant part of my life still, but it is no longer my entire world. My good days outweigh the bad, and I have built a good, big life around this terrible loss. I am sure that grief changed the trajectory of my life, at least to some extent, but it doesn’t keep me from living a good life. Yes, I still miss my parents dearly, but no, my life is not ruined.

2. Grief changes over time.

Every single day was a challenge after I lost my parents. My grief was all-consuming, and I had no idea how I could live the rest of my life with it being so. However, over time, grief has looked different for me. 

There are some “seasons” of my life where grief is on the back burner. I mostly think about my parents fondly rather than sadly, and I don’t feel great pain about the losses. Other “seasons” are rough. I feel so sad and miss them constantly. I cry and cry and just wish they were here to talk. Mostly, though, I’m somewhere in between. I think of them often and fondly, but I am sad when I think too long or am reminded of their absence somehow. 

I don’t know if everyone experiences grief like this, but I have heard that it does evolve over time for many people in some way or another. As we learn to adjust to our loss(es) and how to live life while grieving, our grief does tend to get easier over time.

3. There will be hard times - but they don’t last forever.

Like I said, I still have rough “seasons” of my grief. There are times when I feel just as devastated as when I found out my parents died (if not more). In the moment, I feel like grief is constant and crushing and that there is no goodness beyond it. That’s not true, though. These moments will pass, sometimes within a few minutes and other times within a few weeks (or somewhere in between). 

Usually, for me, these times occur around significant moments - such as birthdays, anniversaries, or graduating high school. Or when life is just hard in general, and I grieve the support and advice that I would have gotten from my parents if they were here. To make it easier, I seek out support from the people around me (sometimes in advance if I suspect that I will need it - such as before a death anniversary) and make sure I have coping skills at hand that will help.

4. Hard moments get easier once you learn how to cope.

Whenever I’m having a hard time, I let myself be sad and miss my parents, and when I’m ready, I turn on a good audiobook, rewatch one of my comfort TV shows, go on a run, play a video game, journal, or call a friend to help myself feel better. That may seem like a basic list, but actually, it’s taken a long time for me to figure it out.

 One of my biggest struggles after my dad first passed was that I had no clue how to cope with grief. When I experienced big feelings, I didn’t know what to do besides letting them overwhelm me. While it is important to allow yourself to feel your emotions and process your grief, you can’t sit in them forever - which is where coping skills come in. What usually works for me when I’m having a hard time is wading through my emotions for a while, and whenever I feel too overwhelmed or am ready to feel better, I turn to a coping skill. The type of coping skill I turn to depends on what I want to feel. For example, if I want to explore my emotions more, I turn to journaling, but if I need a distraction from what I’m feeling, I watch a funny television show.

Over time, I have tried out different coping skills and found what generally does and doesn’t help me. There’s a lot of trial and error with this! It can be frustrating at first, especially when you are struggling to find coping skills that work. For example, I tried meditation and yoga many times, and they just never worked for me. At first, I thought I was doing something wrong, which would make me more upset, but over time, I’ve just realized that other things work better. (That’s not to say that meditation and yoga won’t work for you - they’re great tools, but they aren’t for me at this point in my life.) On the other hand, whenever I journal, I tend to feel refreshed and have more control over my emotions. 

It can be really frustrating at first, especially when you have a hard time finding things that do work (they’re out there - keep trying!), but over time, creating a list of what works for you and then doing one or more things on it during hard times will make life a lot easier.

5. There will be people who understand grief or care about you enough to try to.

There were only a few kids in my high school who had gone through a similarly significant loss when my dad and stepmom passed away, and I wasn’t friends with any of them. It was frustrating that no one understood what I was going through, and I felt quite alone.

A mistake I made was thinking that anyone who hadn’t experienced a loss couldn’t fully be there for me. However, over time, I’ve learned that many people want to give support after a loss, but they just don’t know how to, and the simple fix is to tell them what you need. “I’m having a tough day and miss my stepmom. Do you have the headspace for me to talk about her?” “I’m really sad today and could use a distraction. Are you free to FaceTime for a bit?” I have also (politely, because people often mean well) asked for different support at times than what my friends are providing. “I noticed that you avoid bringing up dads in general, and I want you to know that it’s okay to talk about them.” “Do you mind not talking about your plans for Father’s Day? I’m happy for you, and I hope you and your dad have a wonderful time, but it’s just a bit tough to hear about.” (This has been a trial-and-error experience! Sometimes, when I ask for support, what I get doesn’t work for me, and I just let my friends know that so they can support me differently in the future. I am lucky to be surrounded by people who love and care about me, and I hope you know that there are people out in this world who love and care about you, too.)

Before I continue, I want to say that high schoolers are generally not the best at emotional support. I do think a big part of my issue after my parents first died was that, when we are in middle school and high school, we think we’re the entire sun, moon, and stars, and it’s hard to see beyond ourselves. My friends have gotten a lot better at supporting me, and some of it is definitely because of the work we have all put in - me with asking for help and getting better at explaining what I need and them with providing support - but also a lot of it is because we are all older now. So, if you are feeling frustrated and think no one around you understands, I want to reassure you that people will - even if they don’t right now.

6. You don’t have to go through it alone.

There is so much strength in reaching out for help and accepting support when you need it.

I remember the night after my dad died, my stepmom offered to let me and my sister sleep with her, and I said no. Instead, I just sat up in my room and cried all night. I really wish I had said yes. I needed that support, and I hated feeling so alone.

Whenever I am going through a hard time now (not just with grief, but with life in general), I reach out to the people around me for support. A few months ago, I went through a breakup, and while struggling with that grief, I made it a priority to spend more time with friends and family. I started visiting my grandparents more and asking for advice, and I prioritized seeing friends and texting them regularly, which helped quite a bit. 

Grief will forever be a part of my life, but six years in, it is no longer the biggest, most significant part. Everyone has a different timeline with their grief, but I am writing this so you know that, at some point, your life will get better. You will have a good, beautiful life, even though you have lost someone you love. There is always hope for a better day, and I hope that day comes soon for you.